mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
