I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
