just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
