Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize