oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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