I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
