Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
we're so committed to being not committed
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
