Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
