I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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