I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
