I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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