My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
