you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I got inside last night via doggy door
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
