winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
