literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
