she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
