i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
