I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
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