Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
