Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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