Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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