I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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