This dress was meant to end up on your floor
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
