checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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