You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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