We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
