3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
