woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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