Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
