Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize