I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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