So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
