just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Randomize
