I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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