Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
