and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
