if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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