I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
