My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
