Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Shame - the story of my life.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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