She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
