Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
