I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
