my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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