take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize