i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
