I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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