I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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