Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
