I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
