To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
