Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
