sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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