the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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