My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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