Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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