Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
