I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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